Buster Bloodvessel lookalike competition takes place at the farm"

Monday 23^rd November

Following a long absence in Australia visiting a long lost cousin, the Roving Reporter has returned to the village to bring you the latest up to date news and gossip.

Rumours Flood the Village

Having been away so long is was nice to get back to the village and see what’s new. My sources tell me there is a new rogue on the street, a fellow by the name of Paul Weston who masquerades as a referee. I’m told that all is not right with this man in black and this was confirmed when my spy on the east of the town confirmed that Paul had been sharing dates with another man. No surely not I hear you say, but yes it is true these dates have included the Cinema,  followed by a quiet intimate dinner for two and a bottle of Chianti at Frankie and Benny’s. Further investigations have uncovered Paul’s dinner partner to be no other than first team goalkeeper Phil “I wax the hair from my knackers” Hawkins. Asked to comment Hawkins denies that there is anything going on saying that they had drifted apart after Weston suggested they go “Dutch”. Hawkins replying “I can’t be done with any of that funny business; I’m a straight doggy man”.

Talking of the Hawkins family, rumour has it that Alan was called to the farm this week by Dave Rusbridge as Dave’s prize bullock was trapped in a field, in the middle of the mating season with 100 cattle to cover. Alan rushed to Dave’s assistance asking how he could help. Was it a case of pulling the bull out by his horns or manoeuvring him into a position where they could chase him out or did Dave want him to try and coax him out? Dave’s reply was “no Alan, I’ll sort the bull out, could you take one of those funny tablets of yours and go down to the bottom field and service the 100 cows”.

There’s a rat in the changing room.

Rumour has it that the first team are thinking of remaking an old UB40 classic track “There’s a rat in the kitchen”, calling it the inventive “There’s a rat in the changing room”. The Roving Reporter has caught up with one first team player who explained the reasoning behind the idea. An unnamed source said” Well it all began at the home game against Cray, we were all sitting round before the match and someone shouted out that they had seen a rat in the changing room. Three or four other people caught a glimpse of it as well. Then in the home game against Lewisham it was more prevalent with 8 or 9 team members seeing it”. Concern was raised and after an intensive search by the ground staff, Rentokil were called in during Saturday’s match. They also drew a blank until after the match when, they spotted it on Martin Millins top lip as he left the shower. One team member commented that it was not that big a rat really but that it was strangely ginger at the edges. Watch out for the single out next week.

Finally, Stewie “I’ve never missed a penalty” Hunter has contacted the Roving Reporter to out Jamie “turn on a dustbin lid” McKenna. Jamo as he is known to his friends had missed this Saturday’s home game allegedly as he was in Beirut filming a commercial for Lil-lets Maxi. However Stu points out that this is all a rouse as Jamie turned up in this Friday’s “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here (see below).

Commenting on this team manager John Ronaldson said. “Jamo is a likeable lad and we hope the public keep him in the Jungle and out of our team for as long as possible.

Email any potential stories to roving.reporter@rusthallfc.co.uk